by Mark Az.
Sorry I’ve been MIA the last few weeks. Was away on a work/leisure vacation. Speaking of leisure, one thing I won’t consider is one single minute on a cruise liner. Let’s put aside the fact that I can get seasick on a dock just looking at a boat undulating in the water. If I was the most seaworthy person alive, I’d still take a hard pass. There’s something about getting on a big boat with a bunch of people for five days that sounds like pure hell. It could be the finest ship on the seas with the most wonderful people imaginable. I’d still pass.
When I hear stories of cruise ships losing power causing food to go bad or toilets to overflow or the AC not to work, I shake my head saying “See? See?” Don’t need that. Just the .0001% chance of that happening keeps me off ships. And, in reality, I couldn’t afford to be on the finest ship sailing - I’m on the booze cruise going around the Bermuda Triangle with some lame 80s hairband cranking up the tunes — you know who I’m talking about. No thanks.
Plus the yahoos. Those yahoos—who LOVE cruise ships. They love lounging by the weirdly small and odd shaped pool, drinking all you can drink well Mai-Tais and Jalapeno Poppers straight out of the microwave. Okay, that might not be the case for every cruise, but it certainly would be for the cruise I would go on. So I pass.
And if the ship was the AEOLUS, I’d totally steer clear. That’s the vintage ocean liner that is the setting for most of TRIANGLE, the 2008 Christopher Smith film that was shot in Australia (with Aussie, NZ and Brit actors playing Americans) and set in Florida. Never mind all of that - the film is really cool and suspenseful. I won’t spoil it because, well, can you spoil a film you don’t fully understand?? I don’t think so. But it’s a great Rubik’s Cube of a movie - if you like that sort of thing, check this out. I had never heard of this film and it was made like 11 years ago, so it was quite the treat.
TRIANGLE is a cruise I’d happily take again and again, and I’d never get nauseous. See what I did there? Thanks for reading!